Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I wish you could order shots online.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
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