I could make wine with my vomit
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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