I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
He did a backflip because drugs
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
