So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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