I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Randomize
