Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
