Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize