someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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