MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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