remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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