I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
