i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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