my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
