Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
