the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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