I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
