I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
