I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
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My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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