My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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