jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
