Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
