you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
she peed on how many people?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
