I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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