You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
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My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
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She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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