I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
