literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
