Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
