Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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