how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
