I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
