They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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