Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
