I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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