In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Randomize
