Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
