if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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