if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
