Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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