I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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