So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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