Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
