Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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