What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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