Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
