I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
fuck your aforementioned shoe
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Randomize
