The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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