I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
