omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
