a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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