Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(330): View more from Ohio

Every perfect package comes with a warning label.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.

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(936): View more from Texas

the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week

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(913): View more from Kansas

Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately

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(334): View more from Alabama

I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor

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