Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
