I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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