How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
