Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
